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feeling kind of lost now. don't blame people for not noticing - when i'm sad, i tend to keep it to myself. and i like to think that my face and mannerisms are unreadable.
how do i say this? something yinrui said today during band prac struck me kind of hard. "what are you in jc for?" it's a valid question. just what do i want to accomplish in jc? make lots of friends? score well so i can get into a good uni? well certainly both, yeah, but it seems like, lately, i've been failing in both. especially in the former. i've always considered myself somewhat of an introvert. sometimes, just standing in the MEP room or in the classroom, i find myself more alone than ever. maybe it's just me, maybe it's just how i'm feeling at that time, but really, it's demoralising. seeing how some people get along so well, and feeling sidelined. whatever self-pity. right now im thinking who i can actually count as a friend. i don't use the word "friend" lightly. maybe that's why i can count the number of friends i have on 2 hands. i seem to have difficulty making new friends. especially in jazz. and of the ppl i know, how many do i really know? how many can i really call "friend"? and i've yet to find a soulmate. by that i mean someone who's like me, who shares similar interests and has a similar personality. someone that can immediately understand whatever i say and whatever i do. the complement to me, if you want to put it that way. doesn't matter guy or girl. i have my good friends - zhu feng being the best, and one of the oldest - but personality wise, we're very different. i treasure him, of course. but at the same time, i wish i could find someone more like me. god, how do i say this without sounding selfish? im just really really lost now. listening to soulful music doesn't help lol. read soulful, not sad. i <3 the disney song Cold Enough to Snow sung by Jennifer Warnes. the guitar and sax parts are just very well arranged. i just need someone i can talk to. someone i can say anything to. someone who can understand it all. someone who'll just be there. yeah, even at 12.19am on the day of chem SPA. is it too much to ask? i hope not. |
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