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I hate it that i'm unable to articulate my thoughts clearly when I speak. It's so clear in my head, the words i want to use, the meaning I want to convey to whoever I am speaking to. But somehow in the interim, between my head and my tongue, the words are swallowed, garbled, and come out incomprehensible; or worse, become entirely contrary to what I was trying to say in tone or in choice of words. I have inherited my father's curse.
It doesn't take a psychologist to figure out where this ailment came from: my insecurity when I was young, which I still feel now and try to compensate for. That, in turn, came from my being overweight all through primary and most of secondary school, and the bullying that arose from that. My reaction to such bullying was belligerence and a certain amount of antisocialism (heh), and as a result I have few friends now. My parents used to tell me how I mumbled and kept my eyes on the floor when I walked, but what I remember more clearly was that I used to flare up often in irrational anger and accuse people of picking on me even when they weren't. Probably I did all of those things. So childish, I was. So because of that, I am a late bloomer. That much is obvious to me now, in retrospect. Emotionally and practically, I have been slow to mature, though I feel like I'm finally starting to come into my own now. Years late compared to my peers, but better late than never. If you're wondering what brought on this sudden outburst, I'm sorta going through a midlife crisis (yes, at 20). I'm seeing how far behind I am compared to my peers, and it was a wakeup call. I'm already 20 this year. It's time to step up and take control of my life. I've wasted so much time alienating people at school, hiding at home, and playing computer games singlemindedly. I'm not going to waste any more. |
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